Q. I have finally seen the writing on the wall. The guy that I have been talking to for 10 months is nothing but a dreamer. He masked it pretty good at first. So I am getting out of this fairy tale “romance.” How can dreaming life away be better than actually living life?


A. There can be an excitement in planning and designing and the illusion of creating. There may also be some fear in the actual completion of one of his dream projects. What does he do when one of his projects actually makes it to the end and it is time to market it, sell it or does it end up in the closet and he starts another one?
You provided additional information that he refuses to get a “real job” with a “real paycheck.”
What is his reason for not working? One of my clients was dating a man similar to what you describe and his reason for not working was the following, “What kind of job does a creative man get?” Really? A creative man could connect with people, use his legitimate talents and create a job that provides him a paycheck.
“As soon as this project has financial backing we will travel.” So he is content to put off living life. Apparently you are not content to wait. And why should you? For anyone who lives in the moment, desires to have life adventures, this would not be your choice of relationship partners. Not now or ever.
Smart business people would keep their day job while creating unless they are fortunate to have solid financial backing. Has your boyfriend tried to get you to invest, sell your house or any other personal involvement? If he tells you “you lack the entrepreneurial spirit” don’t buy into it. Be a smart girl. The higher your self value and confidence the less you will be taken in by the dreamer.
You are wise to get out after 10 months. If you already see a pattern don’t fool yourself into believing YOU will be the female you gets this dreamer to change a long standing pattern of behavior. YOU will fail!! He apparently likes what he is doing because you describe how he moves from one unfinished project to another. After so many years of “projects” why would he change for you?
Fortunately you have only invested 10 months of your life with this man. You have not financially invested in any of his “projects.” You have learned life lessons which make you stronger and wiser and you saw the writing on the wall before you lost yourself in this not so dreamy relationship.

Vicki L Mayfield, M.Ed., R.N., LMFT Marriage and Family Therapy Oklahoma City

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