Q. I made a list of all the reasons I should leave my boyfriend of 4 years and a list of all the reasons I should stay; it was 17 to 3!!! (3 to stay). So in my head, my intellectual mind, I need to pack but in my emotional, heart space I can’t seem to get the clothes into the suitcase. What is wrong with me?
—- Katie
A. YOUR WORST BATTLE IS BETWEEN WHAT YOU KNOW
AND WHAT YOU FEEL
This battle has been fought by many, some have won and some have lost. Because it is a battle, it cannot be fought without protection, i.e., proper clothing (therapy), a weapon (12 step CODA), a shield (daily readings/meditation and others in your army (your support group). Its when you think you have the control and power and go it alone that your enemy wins.
Katie said she texted her boyfriend to tell him she was leaving, the relationship was not giving her what she needed and wished him well. He later called to say he NEEDED to see her face to face so he could talk to her. (“This was a mistake.”) He made a scene in the restaurant begging her to stay with him, promising to be better to her and after his ongoing tirade he had turned the problems back to her. It had all become her fault.
One of the realities for Katie was how he overpowered her verbally and emotionally and caused her brain to shut off to her own reality. She somehow became sucked into HIS reality. Then she began to feel guilty when she saw him “hurting.” AKA “MANIPULATING”
The 3 reasons she had for staying in the relationship were very interesting. They included: 1. He was very handy with fixing things. She would not know who to call if her car broke down or the a/c needed repair. 2. She had already invested 4 years with him and didn’t want to start over. Were there really any healthy guys out there? 3. It was hurtful to think of him being with someone else. “So I’ll just stay”
The 17 reasons to leave consisted of lack of respect, making hurtful comments, no plans for
marriage, never including her in family plans, disliking all her female friends, controlling who she spent her time with, searching her phone to see who she was talking to, accusing her of infidelity if she talked to other men to the point of raging and telling her to get out, then blocking the doorway when she tried to leave, just to name a few.
So Katie, think about it like this: IF SOMEONE IS NOT TREATING YOU WITH LOVE AND RESPECT, IT IS A GIFT IF THEY WALK AWAY!!
