ASK VICKI: “I met a new guy but I’m not sure its going to work. I haven’t wanted to tell you because I think I know what you are going to say.”

“I met a new guy but I’m not sure its going to work. I haven’t wanted to tell you because I think I know what you are going to say.”
– Nicky

A. The following is a description of Nicky’s new guy, Randy:
* 34 years old (8 years younger than Nicky)
* unemployed (trying to get disability)
* no form of transportation
* lives in a trailer with no working plumbing
Nicky met him online. My guess is he was looking for a needy woman who would take care of him. Nicky only knew that she was lonely and wanted to be with a man. So here comes Randy. Beyond “being a man” Nicky had not prepared a deal breaker list. She walked right into a dating nightmare but kept going.
“And if you don’t know where you are going
Any road will take you there.”
Nicky realized as she described Randy that she was just as lonely as before but add in frustration at having to drive 45 min to pick him up and transport him to her house AND then take him home. She has a full time job, vehicle and house, Randy had none of those. But Nicky went for it anyway.
Is dating really a good idea if you don’t know what you want? If you just want someone breathing, get a dog. Don’t put your energy into something that will never work.
“And if you don’t know where you are going
Any road will take you there.”
When Randy said, “I Love You” after two weeks, of course he did! He loved Nicky’s house, her money, her car and her lack of a plan. She did not know where she was going and Randy was taking full advantage.
We discussed slowing down, stop “dating” Randy and sit still and do your deal breaker list. DO NOT DATE WITHOUT A DEAL BREAKER LIST…………KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GOING!!!!
So when you hear something that does not work for you, you will jump ship without hesitation.
And especially notice if your gut sends a signal that says danger. Your brain may want to override it but your gut is your warning that something is not right. Go with it. It will never steer you wrong.
“But if you don’t know where you’re going
Any road will take you there.
Any Road by George Harrison

Vicki L Mayfield, M.Ed., R.N., LMFT Marriage and Family Therapy Oklahoma City

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