Q. Is it possible to be intelligent, hard working, financially secure; find “Mr. Right” and now after two years of marriage find myself in debt, losing interest in everything I once enjoyed and miserable? It must be possible because this is my life. What can I do?
— Kellie
A. It is so important that you do not continue to lose yourself, your energy and your ability to make some changes before you literally cannot get out of bed.
What have you done so far to work on the problems? For example:
—- Have you and your husband discussed couple counseling?
—- Are you currently in counseling?
—- Have you taken the time to journal questions like, “What has happened to me since marriage? “ What have I gained, what have I lost?” “Why am I drinking more on a daily basis?”
The one thing that is almost written in stone is our inability to change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. Maybe you didn’t see some of your differences or maybe you thought the way he managed (or didn’t) manage money would not be a problem. Or maybe you were just too giving because you wanted to please him.
The loss of ourselves is insidious. We usually don’t know the day we started reaching for other things to escape our reality but it really is very much a snowball affect. The snowball rarely stays baseball size. So as the snowball begins to take up more of your space, ask yourself why you are not moving out of range. Who is keeping you in this situation?
“Well I know it wasn’t you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free
So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains
That we never even know we have the key’
You have the key. The last thing you can afford to do is continue down this path. You have way to much to lose. Perhaps you chose the wrong man. Perhaps you chose the wrong reason. You are describing a slow emotional death, perhaps leading to a physical death if you don’t take action.
When you reach for the Vodka tonight, stop for a minute (if you can) and ask yourself if this will fix your problems. It won’t!!
“Me, I’m already gone, and I’m feeling strong
I will sing this victory song, coz I’m already gone.”
The Eagles, Already Gone
Vicki L Mayfield, M.Ed., R.N., LMFT Marriage and Family Therapy Oklahoma City
If you would like to send a question to Vicki, email us at [email protected]
