Q. I am concerned that I might not ever really “be in love.” I have been married twice but never really felt the love that I experience when I am around certain people. How are some people lucky enough to find it?
A. Love is a word that is often loosely thrown out, sometimes impulsively, often too soon. It is a word that can make or brake the strongest or weakest of people. It can be a beautiful word that expresses the strong connection or passion that we have for someone or it can be a word to obtain something that we want or need without really feeling anything.
Love can be immediate and spontaneous as when we hold our baby for the first time or get our first puppy. It can create healthy responses in the body and provide comfort and emotional nourishment.
Love can also create disease if used dysfunctionally. A pre-requisite for loving others is being able to love yourself. Young love is different from older, wiser love. Why we love is another component. If you have an agenda for love the outcome will be different than love for genuine, authentic reasons.
You mentioned being married twice. Why did you get married? What motivated you to make that choice?
Debra had been married twice and stated the following reasons for her choices: “I was 19, going to college and living at home. I was not happy living with my parents and wanted to move out. I met a guy a few years older, he had his own apartment and a good job so after dating a couple of months we got married. I was looking for someone to “take care of me and help me move out of my parents house.” I did not really love him but I cared for him. We divorced 7 years later because I lost interest in the marriage.
Debra’s married for the second time because she wanted to have a family. This man was well established, nice home, comfortable income and appeared to be the man Debra wanted. They married, she had two children but again found herself not happy in her marriage.
There are many people who have been married once, twice or multiple times who report never really experiencing the love they desire. Working on yourself first and proceeding slowly is the best recipe for finding relationship love. Nothing is perfect and will never be. All relationships require commitment and investment to withstand times that stress you.