ASK VICKI: I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, I...

ASK VICKI: I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, I was done, so what does he do…….

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“I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, I was done, so what does he do……. initiate more communication, vacuum and pick up his clothes. Why didn’t he initiate these behaviors before I was done?” – Samantha

The following is the story of Samantha and Dan (of course names have been changed but the story, unfortunately fits countless couples). They came to counseling to discuss the breakdown of their twelve year marriage.
Samantha stated she and Dan had struggled for a long time with broken communication. “I would try to talk to Dan, he didn’t appear to be listening, I would talk louder and longer and now he really wasn’t listening. We both work full time jobs but I always seemed to have “more to do at home,” it was like having two full time jobs.
I realized after so many years of trying to communicate my needs, I was growing farther away from Dan. Maybe that was resentment replacing love. I couldn’t imagine this being my forever life. I convinced Dan to go to counseling. It seemed to help a little, Dan would be more connected and helpful for awhile but it did not last.
Dan’s turn. “I am not the best communicator, Samantha has expressed her frustration many times with our lack of ability to make positive changes. I probably have taken her for granted. But I really never thought she would divorce me over it. I have been doing the things she has been asking for but it almost seems to make her mad.
She seems so cold and indifferent. I have become more emotional as I realize she wants a divorce. When she said she was done…….she meant it. There are no tears for her. I just really can’t believe this is happening.
The sad reality of many marriages it the breakdown of communication. It affects everything, i.e., finances, sex, parenting, etc. Nothing works well if people cannot communicate effectively.
Many females (and males too but really prevalent in women) will exhaust their emotional reserves after realizing their circumstances are never going to change unless they make change happen. They have nothing left. It is like a death.
Try having any meaningful relationship without healthy communication and you can almost predict the outcome.

 

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