ASK VICKI: Q. I am really at a loss to understand my...

ASK VICKI: Q. I am really at a loss to understand my husband (soon to be ex-husband).

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Q. I am really at a loss to understand my husband (soon to be ex-husband). I have been telling him for MANY months that I was unhappy and wanted us to go to a marriage counselor. He finally gave in but here’s what happened.
–Naomi

A. I have told Terry on several occasions (more than I can count) that I felt lonely and wanted us to spend more quality time together. Sometimes I cried, probably not the best reaction because Terry really shuts down then. But I get so frustrated I don’t know what to do.
I never ever thought about cheating on him. I had a few occasions when a man would flirt and definitely let me know he was interested but I really loved my husband, it was not an option.
Terry would not go to counseling. He always had a reason why he was not interested. I went by myself which helped me but we couldn’t really address certain issues without Terry being present.
This part of my story sounds unbelievable but it really happened. One day I was grocery shopping and I stopped to read some food labels, so did another person, a man. We stood there discussing food and how complicated eating healthy can be. He asked me if I wanted to get coffee and I said yes. So fast forward…………….. Yes I had an affair that turned into love. I had already thought about divorce but now it was definite. I did not think Terry would disagree since he showed very little interest in me.
But I was wrong. When he learned I had found someone I wanted to be with he completely freaked. Told me to end it. I was really stunned that he got so upset.
I did end the affair. It made me very sad. Now Terry was ready to go to counseling…….too little to late. So we went to counseling. All Terry could focus on was my affair. The therapist tried to get us to look at what was going on in our marriage before the affair. I reminded Terry of all the times I had tried to get him to talk to me, actually begging him to talk to me. He agreed that I had “mentioned it.”
I was not able to continue in my marriage, too much had happened. I am not with the man I had the affair with either. I am with me right now. I am trying to learn how I could have done things differently. But also I realize that I tried really hard to communicate my thoughts and feelings but I was shut out. You can only try so many times until you just burn out.
So I guess the moral of my story is……….husbands and wives please listen to each other and care enough to make changes before burn out is irreversible.

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